Saturday, December 28, 2013

Last Quarter: Year-End Roundup of Two-Bit Reviews

Steadily in the wake of the sonneteers came the dull poets.

               --Ezra Pound, ABC of Reading

Collected Poems, Robert Creeley.   If you can't say something nice, they say--whoever they are, the bastards--then don't say anything at all, but rather than leave this space available for advertising, let me begin by saying that Creeley isn't a terrible person, just a terrible poet.  To be fair, for all I know, he's a terrible person, too (see "Entre Nous").   If terrible isn't the right word, how about overrated?    I'm hardly surprised that Ginsberg pays high (ahem) tribute.  As for Ashbery, if you take his accolades as an attempt to be absurd, it ironically makes sense.  But for the sake of all that is supposedly right & holy, praise from WCWilliams in which he compares Creeley favorably to Ezra Pound?  If you think about it, Williams's comment could be interpreted--correctly, I think--as a vicious jab at Pound rather than as admiration of Creeley.  You can pretty much open the book & close your eyes--recommended, by the way--& randomly turn to shlocky rhymes, pseudo-intellectual abstractions, unnecessarily fractured syntax, inexplicable punctuation & lame experimentation, yet Creeley remains widely anthologized & eulogized.  Even the esteemed Poetry Foundation provides--not even some primitive concept of God, scratching his wizened balls, knows why--as an example of Creeley's work the laughably awful  "A Wicker Basket."   On a positive note, this collection inspired me to write a number of poems in an attempt to rid myself of the memory of Creeley, so maybe it's not all bad.

The Brothers Karamazov, Fyodor Dostoyesvsky, trans. David McDuff.  Considered by some the greatest novel ever written--as opposed, I suppose, to those which came into existence via magical, mystical conjuring & various forms of sorcery--The Bros. Karamazov begins surprisingly, considering the source, like a quirky romantic comedy with religious undertones, but over halfway through the grotesquely obese tale, it takes a regrettably sinister turn into a moody psychological saga with religious undertones before it ultimately transfigures into a cliché-ridden courtroom snorer with the over/under on religious tone at 45.  Smart money's on over.  Readers of comparative literature should note that Bros. Karamazov isn’t as good as Don Quixote, War & Peace or Moby Dick, to gladly name a few fat novels off the top of my head, where they’d weighed heavily.
 
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland; Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll. One day Charles Dickens & Lewis Carroll, tossing off a couple pints, were engaged in a friendly argument over whose works had seen the worst TV & movie adaptations when who should stroll in but American abroad, Mark Twain.  Pondering the anecdotal question, I recently read Carroll's novels after watching Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland to see how much the ballyhooed director deviated from the novel's plot.  Somewhere in the middle of the opening line, I learned, the script stuffed the story of Alice down the rabbit hole & focused instead on Mr. Movie himself, Johnny Depp. Burton would have been better served calling this piece of dreck Hatter; better yet, he shouldn't have made it at all.  On the other hand, the 1998 movie Alice Through the Looking Glass, starring Kate Beckinsale & a cast of familiar British actors, is a fairly faithful (aside from the framing device & some minor omissions) & entertaining adaptation of the Carroll novel, which, for those wondering, is itself a better read than the original Alice story.  If you've not read any Carroll, you should read more.  Of course, you may argue that if you haven't read any, how could you read more?  But you probably mean that you couldn't read less, for if you've read nothing, then it's quite easy to read more, though impossible to read less.

Dodsworth, Sinclair Lewis.  It's funny that the Nobel Prize-winning author of such iconoclastic novels critical of American culture as Main Street, Elmer Gantry, Babbit, It Can't Happen Here & Kingsblood Royal would pen this predictable story of the culture clash between Europe & America through the lives of stereotypical bourgeois characters.  No, not funny, but boring. The novel, considering its repetitious excesses, would have made a better short story.

Wise Blood, Flannery O'Connor.  As a former deacon at the Church of God Without Christ, I have to confess that I like The Violent Bear It Away better, but O'Connor's fun to read.  Like most readers, I'm more smitten with her short fiction, "Good Country People" being a particular favorite of mine.

Dig Safe, Stuart Dischell.  Generally speaking, an enjoyable read.  I like "Days of Me," "Poem for Jack" & "Full Circle" especially. Come to think of it, I may have reviewed this book before, but I don't remember & I'm too lazy to check.  I wish someone had told me that as you get older you lose your memory, but if they did, I sure as hell don't remember it.

Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, T.S. Eliot.  Reading this slim volume of children's verse did little to alter my opinion of Eliot but served to confirm what I already thought:  I'm a dog person.  I'm surprised, however, given the popularity of the Broadway musical Cats, based upon these poems, that it hasn't--what with CGI today being so popular & cheap--made its big screen adaptation yet.  I'm sure it would be horrible, but that didn't stop the Transformers series from being made.

Off the Map, Gloria Fuertes, trans. Philip Levine & Ada Long.  Waking up in the middle of the night & reading these poems, I discovered one thing that makes Fuertes appealing, particularly to a "restless" mind, is her knack at expressing the complexity of thoughts & feelings in an accessible, quirky manner.  One of my favorite poems, though it may strike some as a bit too much like Lear (Edward, not King), is "Painted Windows":

     I lived in a house
     with two real windows and two painted on.
     Those painted windows caused my first sorrow.
     I'd touch the sides of the hall
     trying to reach the windows from inside.
     I spent my whole childhood wanting
     to lean out and see what could be seen
     from the windows that weren't there.

Poems: The Location of Things, Archaics, The Open Skies, Barbara Guest.  I don't always understand Guest, but even when I don't, I still enjoy her lyrical lyricism, imaginative imagery, metaphoric metaphors.  This is probably my favorite of her collections.

Collected Poems, Philip Larkin.  The surprisingly few clunkers make me appreciate Larkin the poet.  He produced an enviable body of work that has allowed his reputation to withstand unsavory revelations about his character.  Thankfully, Larkin confined his racist comments to personal letters, not letting these epithets spill over into his belles-lettres like a stupidly overturned blotter of ink.  I suspect that he used one desk for writing poetry, another for writing personal correspondences (probably a rolltop where he concealed his favorite porn pics), but if the New Critics taught us anything, well, that'd be another surprise.

Some may conflate Larkin's formal verse with his conservative political views, but these same people would no doubt, to paraphrase Harvey Gross, confuse free love with free verse. There is no more correlation between formal poetry & conservative politics than between leftist leanings &, say, the Beats. It riled Jack Kerouac, the story goes, when his mindless minions thought him a progressive because of his freewheeling writing style, just as it irks me that anyone deems Kerouac a great writer. Shouldn't we first establish that he was indeed a writer? I can't be alone in having doubts.

More Reviews . . .

Just in 3/4 Time
Midyear Report
Shiny New Quarter Report

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Common Excuses Democrats Use for Not Getting Shit Done

Personally, I never thought the Patriot Act was necessary for homeland security, but many of my colleagues did, so I went along with it anyway since, if we consider our home as our castle, those of us opposed to it clearly lacked the moats.

Naturally, I wish there was more we could do to help those stranded by the flood, but we don’t have the boats.

Let me remind you that I worked tirelessly with members on both sides of the aisle to pass the Troll Bridge Act, but ultimately, we didn’t have the goats.

Many of us in the House had hoped to offer a less corporate, commercial alternative to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, but we didn’t have the floats.

As chair of the committee, I can tell you that we’d planned to relate a few short, amusing stories relevant to the issue, but we didn’t have the anecdotes.

For instance, I’d thought to use the story of the Three Little Pigs as an analogy for class warfare, but it wouldn’t have worked without visuals & we didn’t have the shoats.

So I told this instead:  Back when I was a-growin' up on the farm--it was nearly Christmas--& Pa told me to get on up outta bed & feed the horses.  No, siree, I didn’t like it.  Like any teenager, I wanted to stay a-snuggled up in the quilt Granny had sewed herself outta scraps, but like any good American, I knew all about responsibility & how important it is for all'a us to pull our own weight.  So I pulled my dungarees on over my long johns--they doubled as my pajamas hehe--& headed on out, a-shiverin' & a-grumblin' through my teeth a-chatterin' in the mornin’ frost, tryin' my darnedest to keep my spirits up by thinkin' about Ma in her apron at the cook stove a-fixin' a hearty breakfast of eggs & bacon & biscuits smothered in gravy & sausages & buttered toast topped with her own homemade strawberry preserves, but when I got to the barn, I almost cried a'cause even though I wanted to feed the horses, we just didn’t have the oats.

Like so many Main Street Americans, I’d rather not have to choose paper or plastic, but we have to, because we don’t have enough cloth totes.

At this time of year, amid tidings of joy & good cheer, it’s important to remember that, even though we’re the wealthiest nation in the world, there are still those who are homeless, who have no protection from winter’s harsh elements.  We should all, as a nation, endeavor to help those less fortunate than ourselves & we would—we would, but we don’t have the coats.

How much does it cost to buy a U.S. Congressman?  Good question.  As you know, I’ve asked a committee to look into the possibility of forming a bipartisan panel to decide on the necessity of devising a study that would address the issue of whether it would be practical to create a group to oversee the selection of experts from both the public & private sector to examine the degree as to which the proposed investigation would serve in setting up a task force whose sole duty would consist of developing a strategy to get to the very bottom of this extremely important issue, but as of now, no, I’m afraid we don’t have the quotes.

I’m so goddamn patriotic I could fart “God Bless America” better than a whole goddamn symphonic orchestra, but I don’t have the notes.

It’s true that many of my esteemed colleagues--myself included--would have undeniably served the people better had we chosen a career outside of politics, say, as carny workers.  Yes, laugh if you want, if you can, a lugubrious laugh, for the truth of the matter is that while we’re well-suited to giving lip service to our constituents’ concerns, as far as becoming sword-swallowers goes, well, simply put, we just don’t have the throats.

A controversial bill has been introduced in the house that calls for reproducing liberals via intrafallopian transfer, but unfortunately, we lack the zygotes. 

I would have supported [insert progressive legislation here], but we didn’t have the votes.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

A Brief & in No Way Complete List of People to the Left of Barack Obama

Sojourner Truth
Dr. Ruth
Don Bluth
Sonic Youth
Claire Boothe Luce
Lenny Bruce
Beetlejuice
Mr. Moose
Dr. Seuss
Henri de Toulouse-

Lautrec
Chiang Kai-Shek
Ric Ocasek
Salma Heyek
John Steinbeck
Dave Brubeck
West Virginia Tech
Alex Trebek
Jeff Beck
Sam Peck-

inpah
George Bernard Shaw
Quickdraw McGraw
Evelyn Waugh
Yo Yo Ma
Che Guevara
WWE Raw
Edward Degas
Pierre Auguste & Jean Renoir
The Shah

of Iran
The Cowardly Lion
George Gordon, Lord Byron
John Donne
Thomas Pynchon
Richard Nixon
John Milton
Elmer & Elsie Borden
Lisa Simpson
Cameron

Diaz
Trini Lopez
Hugo Chávez
Joan Baez
Desi Arnez
Shimon Peres
Manny Ramirez
Bender Bending Rodriguez
Benito Juarez
Mr. Wiz-

ard
Ron Howard
Jean-Luc Picard
John Heard
Larry Byrd
George III
Joanne Woodward
Robert Goddard
Surfin’ Bird
William Word-

sworth
Mother Earth
Colin Firth
Judd Hirsh 
Simon Birch
Lurch
Mary Worth
Charlotte Church
Rita Hayworth
Don Kirsh-

ner
Li'l Abner
Judge Wapner
Gilda Radner
Francis Farmer
Stanley Steamer
The Inbetweeners
Harold Pinter
Rainer

Marie Rilke
Sgt. Hulka
“Chewie” Chewbacca
Mike Ditka
My Friend Flicka
Exena Cervenka
Franz Kafka
Mo Rocca
Joe Palooka
Chaka

Khan
Vince Vaughn
Don Juan
Wallace Shawn
Sammy Cahn
Genghis Khan
Sir Elton John
A nameless, faceless automaton
Spawn
Don

Corleone
Oliver Stone
Sylvester Stallone
Al Capone
Andre Breton
Vic Damone
Tommy Tutone
Harvey Firestone
Sly & the Family Stone
The Unknown

Comic
Moby Dick
The Tick
Jiminy Glick
Tom & Grace Slick
Philip K. Dick
Bill Belichick
Robin Thicke
Joy Stick

Cheech & Chong
El Kabong
Donkey Kong
Huey Long
Louie Armstrong
Erica Jong
Carl Jung
Cathy Song
Hong Kong

Phooey
Banjo Kazooie
Truman Capote
John Dewey
Huey, Dewey & Louie
The Tooth Fairy
Richard Scary
Ruff & Ready
J. Paul Getty
e.e.

cummings
Yao Ming
Doris Lessing
William Golding
Deng Xiaoping
Otis Redding
Sting
Thing
Bing

Crosby
Bill Cosby
Bill Bixby
Little Debbie
Dear Abby
Mister Bee
Bambi
Dr. Marcus Welby
Chubby

Checker
Julius Caesar
Sammy Davis, Jr.
Aaron Burr
Blur
Harry Potter
Alice Walker
Dorothy Parker
Peter

Pan
Lindsey Lohan
Jackie Chan
The Michelin Man
Amy Tan
Ayn Rand
Prince Albert in a Can
Caliban
Walt Whitman
Lon

Chaney
Dick Cheney
Seamus Heaney
Ma Rainey
Walt Disney
Federico Fellini
Will Penny
Kenny Chesney
Jerry Mahoney
Jack Benny
Lenny

Kravitz
Stan Getz
Aunt Fritz
Mark Spitz
Leonard Pitts
Fran Lebowitz
Fievel Mousekewitz
Franz Listz
The Ritz

Brothers
Tom & Dick Smothers
Tina Yothers
Carl Weathers
Jerry Mathers
Sid Dithers
Seurat's Bathers
The Goodfeathers
Lex Luther
The Mothers

of Invention
Attila the Hun
Buck Mulligan
The Nation
Hulk Hogan
Louise Bogan
Donald Fagen
Ronald Reagan
Menachem Begin
Captain

Kangaroo
Mr. Magoo
Johnny LaRue
Nosferatu
Winnie-the-Pooh
Suzy Q
Gerard Depardieu
Elizabeth Shue
Dr.  Who
Drew

Brees
John Cleese
Chuck E. Cheese
Miranda Keyes
Rick Dees
Socrates
Euripides
Fran at Applebee’s
Metta World Peace
Louise

Fletcher
Hannibal Lecter
Det. Dennis Becker
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew & Beaker
Max Escher
Teri Hatcher
Carrie Fisher
John Beecher
Arthur Treacher
The Creature

from the Black Lagoon
Reese Witherspoon
Bowie Kuhn
Lorna Doone
Rocky Raccoon
Rev. Sun Myung Moon
Daniel Boone
Alice the Goon
Peter Noone
June

Lockhart
Christopher Smart
Bob Newhart
Jean Paul Sartre
Andrew Breitbart
Tess Trueheart
Rene Descartes
James Rekart
Captain Beefheart
Hart

Crane
JohnWayne
Jack Lalane
Stan & Jan Berenstain
King Juan Carlos I of Spain
Pinky & the Brain
Thomas Paine
Charles Foster Kane
Paul Verlaine
Mickey Spillane
Jane

Goodall
Andy Warhol
Lucille Ball
Jethro Tull
Lauren Bacall
Taj Mahal
The Wailing Wall
Roald Dahl
Bobby Hull
Pol

Pot
Marge Schott
Mel Ott
Jot & Lot
Sir Walter Scott
Little Dot
James Watt
Johnny-on-the-Spot
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscot
Mott

the Hoople
Angela Merkel
Steve Urkel
Studs Terkel
G.W.F. Hegel
Yertle the Turtle
Gregor Mendel
Mr. Whipple
Y.A. Tittle
The Mormon Tabernacle

Choir
Billy Squier
Talia Shire
Richard Pryor
Jon Cryer
“Ted” Theodore Logan, Esq.
Georgette Heyer
Rocky Bleier
Jerry Maguire
Douglas Neidermeyer
Friar

Tuck
Daffy Duck
Louise Gluck
Herman Wouk
Mr. Spock
Tony Hawk
Richard Bach
Alfred Hitchcock
J. Alfred Prufrock
Jacques

Cousteau
C3PO
Sadaharu Oh
Mia Farrow
Super Mario
Dr. Zhivago
Ugly Kid Joe
Quinn the Eskimo
Vincent Van Gogh
Arthur Rimbaud
Bluto

Blutarsky
Aldous Huxley
Woody Guthrie
Larry, Moe & Curly
Mr. T.
Hayao Miyazaki
The Big Lebowski
Mrs. Beasley
Ron Weasley
Punxsutawney

Phil
John Stuart Mill
Shirley Hemphill
Jack & Jill
Emmett Till
Buffalo Bill
Bruce McGill
Herman Melville
Joe Hill
Bill

Maher
FDR
Jamie Farr
Jack Paar
Ringo Starr
Rosanne Barr
Terri Garr
Johnny Marr
Vicki Carr
Nardwuar

the Human Serviette
Joan Jett
Leon Lett
Boba Fett
Thomas à Becket
Wilson Pickett
Hamlet
Molly Hatchet
T.S. Eliot
Cate Blanchett
W. Somerset

Maugham
Prof. Plum
Major Thom
Tweedledee & Tweedledum
Don Cheatam
Harry Crumb
Beetlebum
Tom Thumb
John Crowe Ransom

George Santayana
Madonna
Kung Fu Panda
Casanova
Anna Karenina
Jello Biafra
Princess Leia
Sodom & Gomorrah
Roberta

Flack
Shaq
Brak
The Knack
Frick & Frack
The Rat Pack
Billy Jack
Jack Kerouac
Jack Black
Black

Francis
Wesley Willis
Hi & Lois
Alice B. Toklas
Amos Moses
Julio & Enrique Iglesias
Jerry Lee Lewis
Anonymous
Gaius Valerius Catullus
Jesus

H. Christ
Vincent Price
Fanny Brice
Vanilla Ice
Posh Spice
Theodore Weiss
Heidi Fleiss
Judy in Disguise
Three Blind Mice
Andrew Dice

Clay
Doris Day
Claude Monet
Don Quixote
Dr. Dre
Friedrich Nietzche
Kid & Play
Bob & Ray
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Guillaume

Apollinaire
Stephen Colbert
Smokey the Bear
Lilith Fair
Jane Eyre
Sonny & Cher
Linda Blair
Bucky O'Hare
Charles Baudelaire
Jer-

emy Lin
Anais Nin
Dr. Quinn
Huckleberry Finn
Rin Tin Tin
Kim Kardashian
Rasputin
Vladimir Putin
Philip Larkin
Pin-

head
Mr. Ed
Murray Head
Right Said Fred
Judge Dredd
Erik the Red
Shaun of the Dead
A man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed
Ned

Beatty
Slim Shady
Frank Nitti
Marsha Brady
Mr. Gatti
Chatty Cathy
The Manson Family
Mr. Smee
Travis McGee