Saturday, December 14, 2013

Common Excuses Democrats Use for Not Getting Shit Done

Personally, I never thought the Patriot Act was necessary for homeland security, but many of my colleagues did, so I went along with it anyway since, if we consider our home as our castle, those of us opposed to it clearly lacked the moats.

Naturally, I wish there was more we could do to help those stranded by the flood, but we don’t have the boats.

Let me remind you that I worked tirelessly with members on both sides of the aisle to pass the Troll Bridge Act, but ultimately, we didn’t have the goats.

Many of us in the House had hoped to offer a less corporate, commercial alternative to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, but we didn’t have the floats.

As chair of the committee, I can tell you that we’d planned to relate a few short, amusing stories relevant to the issue, but we didn’t have the anecdotes.

For instance, I’d thought to use the story of the Three Little Pigs as an analogy for class warfare, but it wouldn’t have worked without visuals & we didn’t have the shoats.

So I told this instead:  Back when I was a-growin' up on the farm--it was nearly Christmas--& Pa told me to get on up outta bed & feed the horses.  No, siree, I didn’t like it.  Like any teenager, I wanted to stay a-snuggled up in the quilt Granny had sewed herself outta scraps, but like any good American, I knew all about responsibility & how important it is for all'a us to pull our own weight.  So I pulled my dungarees on over my long johns--they doubled as my pajamas hehe--& headed on out, a-shiverin' & a-grumblin' through my teeth a-chatterin' in the mornin’ frost, tryin' my darnedest to keep my spirits up by thinkin' about Ma in her apron at the cook stove a-fixin' a hearty breakfast of eggs & bacon & biscuits smothered in gravy & sausages & buttered toast topped with her own homemade strawberry preserves, but when I got to the barn, I almost cried a'cause even though I wanted to feed the horses, we just didn’t have the oats.

Like so many Main Street Americans, I’d rather not have to choose paper or plastic, but we have to, because we don’t have enough cloth totes.

At this time of year, amid tidings of joy & good cheer, it’s important to remember that, even though we’re the wealthiest nation in the world, there are still those who are homeless, who have no protection from winter’s harsh elements.  We should all, as a nation, endeavor to help those less fortunate than ourselves & we would—we would, but we don’t have the coats.

How much does it cost to buy a U.S. Congressman?  Good question.  As you know, I’ve asked a committee to look into the possibility of forming a bipartisan panel to decide on the necessity of devising a study that would address the issue of whether it would be practical to create a group to oversee the selection of experts from both the public & private sector to examine the degree as to which the proposed investigation would serve in setting up a task force whose sole duty would consist of developing a strategy to get to the very bottom of this extremely important issue, but as of now, no, I’m afraid we don’t have the quotes.

I’m so goddamn patriotic I could fart “God Bless America” better than a whole goddamn symphonic orchestra, but I don’t have the notes.

It’s true that many of my esteemed colleagues--myself included--would have undeniably served the people better had we chosen a career outside of politics, say, as carny workers.  Yes, laugh if you want, if you can, a lugubrious laugh, for the truth of the matter is that while we’re well-suited to giving lip service to our constituents’ concerns, as far as becoming sword-swallowers goes, well, simply put, we just don’t have the throats.

A controversial bill has been introduced in the house that calls for reproducing liberals via intrafallopian transfer, but unfortunately, we lack the zygotes. 

I would have supported [insert progressive legislation here], but we didn’t have the votes.


Zack said...

You make a good point in an interesting way. I think "oats" was my favorite because I got lost in the story and forgot about the theme, which was a funny surprise at the end.

Why don't you have more readers? You're humorously serious and seriously funny!

I'm glad I have the chance to catch up on what you've been doing now that the semester is over.

Matt Morris said...

Thanks, Zack. Hope you had a good semester.