Recently, surfing the 'net as oft I do, I read about a couple of upcoming movies, both based upon one of my favorite childhood toys, Rock'em Sock'em Robots. One, Real Steel, stars Hugh Jackman & the other, directed by Wolfgang Peterson, is not yet titled.
Ahem. Apparently Hollywood has discovered my blog. As any loyal reader can testify, if not indeed the heretic casual skimmer, I put forth the idea, as well as a detailed plot, for the Rock'em Sock'em Robots movie in a post on this very blog in May 2009.
Listen, I think it's fantastic that Hollywood is finally listening to me, but c'mon fellas, in the immortal words of Billy Jean (the legend, not the song), "Fair's fair." Which is to say, I want my cut!
As a show of good faith that the good, decent, honest folks in Hollywood will (as Spike Lee reminds us) do the right thing--& to show you I'm no one trick pony--I'm pitching my next blockbuster here & now. Do we have a deal? I'll take your silence as a tacit agreement as legally binding as a copyright.*
Anyway, given the industry's infatuation with old TV shows, retro toys & other nostalgia, may I suggest exploiting a mostly untapped resource, namely, classic commercials. It's product placement & innovative cinema in one fell swoop!
Idea 1: Why Do You Build Me Up, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Baby? Dubbed in trailers as "love at first bite,'" the story of chocolate & peanut butter comes to the big screen at last in a sweet romantic tale that makes Romeo look like a homo & Juliet like a slut in comparison. Peanut Butter, colloquially P.B., is adorably cute. When Chocolate--Choc, for short--a rich kid trying to make it on his own, moves into her apartment building, his furniture gets delivered to her place by mistake--he's in 6, she's in 9, only a loose nail away, you see. Such yougotyourchocolateinmypeanutbutternoyougotyourpeanutbutterinmychocolate stuff keeps happening, so much so that they meet up every evening to swap what would be an alarming in real life number of misdelivered things. (Somebody could lose a job is all I'm saying.) Lots of batted lashes, lots of nervous prattle, lots of exchanged exchanges later, they become an item--one which, need I remind you, can be purchased in the lobby. But just when you think what could be better, one night, while the two great tastes that taste great together are out on a late date, supersexy Ally Monde (Megan Fox is perfect), needing to crash but not wanting to shell out cash for a room, sneaks into Choc's place, thinking it's her cousin P.B.'s apartment. The comedy of errors continues as Choc's older brother Dark suddenly turns up for no apparent reason at P.B.'s door. What happens next . . . no, I'm through giving away my ideas for nada, but if you'd like a hint, who can resist chocolate? (Also, before I forget, I recommend signing Reese Witherspoon onto the project in some capacity to provide a name tie-in to the product.)
Idea 2: Wendy's Where's-the-Beef? lady & Alka-Seltzer's I-Can't-Believe-I-Ate-the-Whole-Thing guy come together in a remake of Oedipus Rex. Actual commercial footage, digitally remastered & colorized, will be seamlessly incorporated into the flick. Think Sophocles meets Forrest Gump. Cameos by Susie Chapstick, the Wrigley Spearmint twins, the Ty-D-bol man, Mr. Whipple, Arthur Treacher, Mother Nature (as envisioned by Imperial Margarine), the Right Guard Hey Guy guy, the Noxema girl, the Coppertone girl (her little dog too), the Gerber baby, & a special appearance by Orville Redenbacher, as well as numerous immediately recognizable advertising icons from the past, pepper this tour de force that redefines tragedy.
Idea 3: I haven't thought this one all the way through, but do you remember Mr. Microphone? Well, he's baaacccckkk! I'm thinking a slasher flick. It starts with my wrists--I've drawn dotted lines as a guide.
If none of these ideas suit your tastes, perhaps you'd be interested in a trilogy based upon Dante's The Divine Comedy. Or what about Homer?
Ok, the ball's in your court, Hollywood. Feel free to contact me via this blog. One more thing, if you check the comments section of the Rock'em Sock'em Robots entry, you'll see I suggested Twister: Quest for the Big Yellow Dot. If you want to go with this, you need only pay me a nominal fee, for I wish to move away from this particular movie as quickly as possible.
* Copyright protection subsists, in accordance with this title, in original works of authorship fixed in any tangible medium of expression, now known or later developed, from which they can be perceived, reproduced, or otherwise communicated, either directly or with the aid of a machine or device. 17 U.S.C.102(a)