Despite the illusory nature of freedom, I've long been Pro-Choice, but lately I've seen the danger of such liberal thinking. Now I've thrown my considerable weight--it's glandular--behind mandatory abortions. A simple analysis of current crime statistics, not to mention the problem of overcrowded prisons, alone would justify my position. Plus, as any nimrod can tell you--Sean Hannity, for instance--you can't be too soft on crime. Take the problem of illegal aliens, which is, foremost, the term, "illegal aliens." They, if I'm not mistaken, began as unborn babies. Erecting an electrified fence around our border would prove unnecessarily idiotic when worldwide mandatory abortions would not only cut out this problem in its pre-infancy, if you will, but also close the legal loophole that protects anchor babies. No baby, no anchor, no problem. The solution is so simple that it's surprising that Michele Bachmann hasn't stumbled across it.
To place mandatory abortion in an historical perspective, if everyone were forced to have an abortion in, say, the late 19th century, a poor working Euro-tramp wouldn't have given birth to a boy who'd grow up to be--yes, that's right--Adolf Hitler. Roundly recognized now as the poster child for evil, Hitler could now become the poster boy for mandatory abortions if Rush Limbaugh won't sign on to the cause. I suppose Glenn Beck would do in a pinch--he'll do anything for a buck.
Obviously, the aforementioned mothers would have been well advised not to have had down & dirty demonic sex with Satan & his minions, but once mandatory abortion becomes law, the threat of demon spawn is effectively minimalized. To be fair, it's time we stop vilifying the devil & give him his due. According to pulpit pundit Pat Robertson, slavery ended in Haiti thanks to Satanic intervention. If true--he swears it is--then we need to reconsider the hackneyed image of the devil as evil incarnate & accord him the recognition long overdue for his admirable work as an abolitionist. All praise Satan!
Of course, if abortions were mandatory, then only outlaws would have babies. Well, that's not what I was going to say, but there's that to consider. It certainly doesn't take much imagination, so no doubt some Hollywood hotshot, perhaps the same person who ripped off my Rock'em Sock'em Robots idea, is rushing into production, at this very instant, a cheesy sci-fi flick in which a young couple in love & on the lam wander across a crumbling dystopian landscape of overreaching religious symbolism, hiding in one slummy hole-in-the-wall after another to escape the soulless bureaucrats who, out to out Herod Herod,mean to terminate, as is the law in those dark days to come,the unborn babe, who represents the last glint of hope for humanity. Featuring High School Musical's Katie Morgan as Ave Maria & the omnipresent Shia LeBeouf as Joe the Plumber. What, no Seth Rogen? No, he's busy writing & producing his new project, in which he stars as an underachieving donor sperm, who, with his ne'erdowell friends, must overcome internal conflicts & biological warfare--literally--when they're injected into Katherine Heigl's system in order to fertilize her lovely, lonely egg in an hilarious remake of Fantastic Voyage.
Anyway, I was going to say that if abortions had been mandatory centuries ago, certain great personages would have never existed. Sadly, this is true, but the downside of not enacting mandatory abortions carries such great risk that society simply can't take that chance. Ultimately, it comes down to math: for every Albert Schweitzer, countless dictators, rapists, murderers, pedophiles, pickpockets, CEOs, & Fox pundits are allegedly born. There'd be no Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Thor or whatever, but on the upside, there'd also be no The Passion of the Christ, or subsequent anti-Semitic Mel Gibson rants, so think about that.
Indeed, most of the world's problems--terrorism, overpopulation, global warming, drug abuse, racism, sexism, inequality, poverty, disease & so on--could be eliminated via mandatory abortions. Clearly, humankind--"humanunkind," more like--is responsible for nearly all the world's problems. Why don't our so- called leaders have the guts to address this issue? Hell if I know. Do those guys ever make any sense? Not to me, who, one may rightly argue, would not exist if my stinking fetus had been aborted all those years ago. However, that's hardly a new idea. During my late teens & early 20s, my parents constantly & loudly lamented that I'd ever been born. I confess to similar feelings myself--about my parents. I mean, my dad was a lifelong alcoholic who never finished high school, yet I could never do anything to live up to his "high" standards. Then there's my mom, who kept buying New Coke for me, no matter how much I complained that it tasted like a skanky stripper pissed in a bottle. (Yes, I know how that tastes--true story!)
Admittedly, even if mandatory abortions were made law this very day, we would still wake up tomorrow with many of the same problems we face today. Change takes time & meanwhile, life drones on. What can we do now to bring about immediate change? I suggest, as a stopgap measure, privatizing the United Nations to make it an effective, multi-national corporation. Next, institute the Profit of Peace program, which, to sum up quickly, works thusly: if a nation wants peace, it has to pay for it. Can't pay? Won't pay? That would be viewed as an act of war. U.N. forces would then converge upon the financially strapped country with all its shock & awe. This may sound like extortion to a wuss, but as any pinhead knows--shout out to Bill O'Reilly--the Great Depression ended because President Lincoln, guns ablazing, entered WWII. So, ipso-facto, if governments today can't afford to pay for peace, a U.N. military invasion will invigorate the economy of otherwise depressed countries. It's a win-win situation unless, of course, you invade Afghanistan--that place is a money pit!
To place mandatory abortion in an historical perspective, if everyone were forced to have an abortion in, say, the late 19th century, a poor working Euro-tramp wouldn't have given birth to a boy who'd grow up to be--yes, that's right--Adolf Hitler. Roundly recognized now as the poster child for evil, Hitler could now become the poster boy for mandatory abortions if Rush Limbaugh won't sign on to the cause. I suppose Glenn Beck would do in a pinch--he'll do anything for a buck.
Obviously, the aforementioned mothers would have been well advised not to have had down & dirty demonic sex with Satan & his minions, but once mandatory abortion becomes law, the threat of demon spawn is effectively minimalized. To be fair, it's time we stop vilifying the devil & give him his due. According to pulpit pundit Pat Robertson, slavery ended in Haiti thanks to Satanic intervention. If true--he swears it is--then we need to reconsider the hackneyed image of the devil as evil incarnate & accord him the recognition long overdue for his admirable work as an abolitionist. All praise Satan!
Of course, if abortions were mandatory, then only outlaws would have babies. Well, that's not what I was going to say, but there's that to consider. It certainly doesn't take much imagination, so no doubt some Hollywood hotshot, perhaps the same person who ripped off my Rock'em Sock'em Robots idea, is rushing into production, at this very instant, a cheesy sci-fi flick in which a young couple in love & on the lam wander across a crumbling dystopian landscape of overreaching religious symbolism, hiding in one slummy hole-in-the-wall after another to escape the soulless bureaucrats who, out to out Herod Herod,mean to terminate, as is the law in those dark days to come,the unborn babe, who represents the last glint of hope for humanity. Featuring High School Musical's Katie Morgan as Ave Maria & the omnipresent Shia LeBeouf as Joe the Plumber. What, no Seth Rogen? No, he's busy writing & producing his new project, in which he stars as an underachieving donor sperm, who, with his ne'erdowell friends, must overcome internal conflicts & biological warfare--literally--when they're injected into Katherine Heigl's system in order to fertilize her lovely, lonely egg in an hilarious remake of Fantastic Voyage.
Anyway, I was going to say that if abortions had been mandatory centuries ago, certain great personages would have never existed. Sadly, this is true, but the downside of not enacting mandatory abortions carries such great risk that society simply can't take that chance. Ultimately, it comes down to math: for every Albert Schweitzer, countless dictators, rapists, murderers, pedophiles, pickpockets, CEOs, & Fox pundits are allegedly born. There'd be no Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Thor or whatever, but on the upside, there'd also be no The Passion of the Christ, or subsequent anti-Semitic Mel Gibson rants, so think about that.
Indeed, most of the world's problems--terrorism, overpopulation, global warming, drug abuse, racism, sexism, inequality, poverty, disease & so on--could be eliminated via mandatory abortions. Clearly, humankind--"humanunkind," more like--is responsible for nearly all the world's problems. Why don't our so- called leaders have the guts to address this issue? Hell if I know. Do those guys ever make any sense? Not to me, who, one may rightly argue, would not exist if my stinking fetus had been aborted all those years ago. However, that's hardly a new idea. During my late teens & early 20s, my parents constantly & loudly lamented that I'd ever been born. I confess to similar feelings myself--about my parents. I mean, my dad was a lifelong alcoholic who never finished high school, yet I could never do anything to live up to his "high" standards. Then there's my mom, who kept buying New Coke for me, no matter how much I complained that it tasted like a skanky stripper pissed in a bottle. (Yes, I know how that tastes--true story!)
Admittedly, even if mandatory abortions were made law this very day, we would still wake up tomorrow with many of the same problems we face today. Change takes time & meanwhile, life drones on. What can we do now to bring about immediate change? I suggest, as a stopgap measure, privatizing the United Nations to make it an effective, multi-national corporation. Next, institute the Profit of Peace program, which, to sum up quickly, works thusly: if a nation wants peace, it has to pay for it. Can't pay? Won't pay? That would be viewed as an act of war. U.N. forces would then converge upon the financially strapped country with all its shock & awe. This may sound like extortion to a wuss, but as any pinhead knows--shout out to Bill O'Reilly--the Great Depression ended because President Lincoln, guns ablazing, entered WWII. So, ipso-facto, if governments today can't afford to pay for peace, a U.N. military invasion will invigorate the economy of otherwise depressed countries. It's a win-win situation unless, of course, you invade Afghanistan--that place is a money pit!
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