Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Joe Bidenate Agno

If you're for women's rights, good jobs & healthcare for everyone, then you should support the war--er, humanitarian action.
--John Fucking Kerry, Secretary of Shite
 

I

Joe Biden says it’s never cool to hit a woman.
Joe Biden says child abuse isn’t acceptable.
Joe Biden says stay in school.
Joe Biden says don’t do drugs.
Joe Biden says the grass is always greener.
Joe Biden says be true to your school like you would your girl or guy.
Joe Biden says accept no substitutes.
Joe Biden says no shirt no shoes no service.
Joe Biden says fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice . . . won’t get fooled again.
Joe Biden says winners aren’t whiners.
Joe Biden says life isn’t fair.
Joe Biden says fair is where you take your pig.
Joe Biden squeals like a little piggie.
Joe Biden says sorry doesn’t feed the bulldog.
Joe Biden feeds his dogs only the best.
Joe Biden's dogs are family.
Joe Biden's dogs are barking.
Joe Biden is facing an existential crisis.
Joe Biden is at a crossroads.
Joe Biden is making a deal with the devil.
Joe Biden is an American politician & 47th Vice-President of the United States.
Joe Biden puts the “ice” in “vice.”
Joe Biden’s code name is Vanilla Ice.
Joe Biden is walking on sunshine.
Joe Biden is on a natural high.
Joe Biden says it’s all good.
Joe Biden has a lust for life.
Joe Biden has child-bearing hips.
Joe Biden has eyes like limpid pools.
Joe Biden’s blood type is AB.
Joe Biden says go for two.
Joe Biden says put me in, coach.
Joe Biden has no recollection of that at this moment.
Joe Biden remembers the Maine.
Joe Biden wants you to want me.
Joe Biden is the most random person you’ll ever meet.
Joe Biden, literally.
Joe Biden is currently under review.
Joe Biden faces charges.
Joe Biden is on the air.
Joe Biden wants the airwaves baby.
Joe Biden says a good man is hard to find.
Joe Biden believes for every drop of rain a flower grows.
Joe Biden uses only fresh ingredients.
Joe Biden says make love not war.

II

Joe Biden says my mama didn’t raise no fool.
Joe Biden says I may be crazy but I’m not stupid.
Joe Biden says everybody’s got something to hide but me & my monkey.
Joe Biden says if you don’t have anything to hide, you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Joe Biden believes in law & order.
Joe Biden watches Law & Order on Hulu.
Joe Biden wonders if the rain will hurt the rhubarb.
Joe Biden asks if you’re working hard or hardly working.
Joe Biden says different strokes for different folks.
Joe Biden may not agree with you but he’ll fight to the death for your right to say it.
Joe Biden wants to buy the world a Coke.
Joe Biden wants to know if you’ve ever seen the rain.
Joe Biden says it’s hard work made America great.
Joe Biden says the worker is the backbone of America.
Joe Biden says call before you dig.
Joe Biden says objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
Joe Biden is a bad mother . . . shut your mouth!
Joe Biden isn’t just for breakfast anymore.
Joe Biden is a soul man.
Joe Biden’s been a ba-a-a-a-a-ad boy.
Joe Biden looks at all the lonely people.
Joe Biden looks at all the phony sheeple.
Joe Biden 2: Electric Boogaloo This Time It’s Personal
Joe Biden takes the 8:15 into the city.
Joe Biden takes the money & runs.
Joe Biden is a little pimp with his hair gassed back.
Joe Biden can’t believe Zappa’s been gone for 20 years.
Joe Biden always drinks responsibly.
Joe Biden says friends don’t let friends drive drunk.
Joe Biden sells cartoon balloons in town.
Joe Biden sells seashells by the seashore.
Joe Biden jumped over the lazy dog.
Joe Biden thinks Justin Bieber needs to grow up.
Joe Biden has the body of a twenty year old.
Joe Biden is a lecherous old fart.
Joe Biden lingers like a fart in a phone booth.
Joe Biden’s face matches your ass.
Joe Biden thinks outside the box.
Joe Biden believes in America.
Joe Biden didn’t steal no bike.
Joe Biden doesn’t need no stinking badges.
Joe Biden isn’t your father’s Oldsmobile.
Joe Biden rolls a stony.  
Joe Biden wants to rock & roll all night & party everyday.
Joe Biden is working for the weekend.
Joe Biden believes professional wrestling is fake.
Joe Biden says shit's getting real.
Joe Biden is full of it.

III

Joe Biden is for what you’re for & against what you’re against.
Joe Biden refers to himself in the third person.
Joe Biden isn’t the brightest crayon in the box.
Joe Biden isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Joe Biden is a nice guy but he’s about as sharp as a bowling ball.
Joe Biden says eat your veggies.
Joe Biden says you have a nice little business.  Be a shame if something happened to it.
Joe Biden doesn’t remember asking you a goddamn thing.
Joe Biden is a good kisser.
Joe Biden likes candlelight dinners, soft music,  moonlight walks along the beach.
Joe Biden wrote a little letter to his local DJ.
Joe Biden wears army boots.
Joe Biden is stupid & his mother dresses him funny.
Joe Biden can read the writing on the wall.
Joe Biden can’t read.
Joe Biden calls the wind Mariah.
Joe Biden is a tough cookie.
Joe Biden is Sparta.
Joe Biden wants to be a millionaire. 
Joe Biden makes the homies go uh & the girlies wanna scream.
Joe Biden doesn’t want tuna with good taste.
Joe Biden wants tuna that tastes good.
Joe Biden makes a dead man cum.
Joe Biden says it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good                  fortune must be in want of a wife.
Joe Biden believes in miracles.
Joe Biden, waking one morning from disturbing dreams, found himself transformed in his bed into a          big fucking roach.
Joe Biden has seen life from both sides now.
Joe Biden <3 NY.
Joe Biden loves you best of all.
Joe Biden also loves . . . baseball.
Joe Biden also loves . . . billiards.
Joe Biden loves . . . he loves San Dimas!
Joe Biden isn’t your mother.
Joe Biden says no excuses.
Joe Biden says things are not always what they seem.
Joe Biden says the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Joe Biden is your one stop shop.
Joe Biden is standing by.
Joe Biden stands by me.
Joe Biden comes grooving up slowly.
Joe Biden waits somewhere for you.

IV

Joe Biden warns of the dangers of smokeless tobacco.
Joe Biden says smoking is hazardous to your health.
Joe Biden likes cat memes.
Joe Biden selling Bibles at the airport.
Joe Biden buying Quaaludes on the phone.
Joe Biden is living large.
Joe Biden is loco.
Joe Biden is livin’ la vida loca.
Joe Biden takes the cake.
Joe Biden talks the talk, but he doesn’t walk the walk.
Joe Biden can dish it out, but can he take it?
Joe Biden is the best Joe Biden that Joe Biden knows how to be.
Joe Biden wanders lonely as a cloud.
Joe Biden says hey. Macarena.
Joe Biden says members only.
Joe Biden says you shall not pass.
Joe Biden says it stops here & now.
Joe Biden says you want me to turn this thing around?
Joe Biden is in the kitchen with Dinah.
Joe Biden melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
Joe Biden because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.
Joe Biden is a creep.
Joe Biden is beginning to like you, but you know that ain’t right.
Joe Biden says if you have an erection that lasts for more than four hours, call your doctor.
Joe Biden says we’ve created a marketplace for healthcare.
Joe Biden buried Paul.
Joe Biden is so fat that when he sits around the house he really sits around the house.
Joe Biden says call now.
Joe Biden approves of this message.
Joe Biden flies in the face of logic.
Joe Biden likes those odds.
Joe Biden can take it or leave it.
Joe Biden wants to know if he should stay or should he go.
Joe Biden is standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
Joe Biden looks both ways before crossing the street.
Joe Biden was with Washington at Valley Forge, shivering in the cold.
Joe Biden, can you see by the dawn’s early light?
Joe Biden isn’t into that.
Joe Biden doesn’t go there.
Joe Biden doesn’t swing that way.
Joe Biden, a swing & a miss.

V

Joe Biden is the perfect stranger.
Joe Biden says all you need is love.
Joe Biden says money makes the world go round.
Joe Biden isn’t rocket surgery.
Joe Biden says thou shalt not kill.
Joe Biden says thou shalt not covet.
Joe Biden says thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy god in vain.
Joe Biden doesn’t remember the other thou shalts.
Joe Biden is the walrus googoogajoob.
Joe Biden digs it.
Joe Biden likes chicks.
Joe Biden digs the long ball.
Joe Biden knows.
Joe Biden say no more wink wink nudge nudge.
Joe Biden can learn a lot from a dummy.
Joe Biden says the call came from inside the house.
Joe Biden is beside himself.  
Joe Biden is Ram tough.
Joe Biden like a rock.
Joe Biden never inhaled.
Joe Biden never had sexual relations with that woman.
Joe Biden takes the Nestea plunge.
Joe Biden takes the ice bucket challenge.
Joe Biden roots for the home team.
Joe Biden hears America calling.
Joe Biden says hello we play to win the game.
Joe Biden’s got your number.
Joe Biden has Joe-mentum.
Joe Biden suffers the children.
Joe Biden is not the kind you take home to mother.
Joe Biden likes his coffee like his women.
Joe Biden has a binder full of women.
Joe Biden is en fuego.
Joe Biden fist pumps.
Joe Biden once saw a UFO.
Joe Biden puts on women’s clothing & hangs around in bars.
Joe Biden is squeezably soft.
Joe Biden is Luke Skywalker’s father.
Joe Biden blames the obstructionist Republicans for his failures.
Joe Biden never fails to . . .
Joe Biden says put your hands on your head.
Joe Biden says go-go-Gadget.
Joe Biden drones on & on & on . . . 
Joe Biden says just do it.
Joe Biden likes his money.
Joe Biden believes in you.
Joe Biden says bite my shiny metal ass.
Joe Biden does Dallas.
Joe Biden saves the world.
Joe Biden spells relief R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Joe Biden plays guitar in a long-haired rock’n’roll band.
Joe Biden is bullish on America.
Joe Biden sleeps tonight.
Joe Biden likes his sugar sweet.
Joe Biden says trust me.
Joe Biden squats on his haunches.
Joe Biden & the horse he rode in on.

VI

Joe Biden presents Joe Biden’s Peeples.
Joe Biden steals from the poor & gives to the rich.
Joe Biden cannot tell a lie.
Joe Biden is the bomb.
Joe Biden puts one foot in front of the other.
Joe Biden is asleep at the wheel.
Joe Biden says a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Joe Biden is no Jack Kennedy.
Joe Biden has secretly replaced your regular coffee with Folger’s Instant.
Joe Biden is a hard nut to crack.
Joe Biden says that’s just Joe Biden being Joe Biden.
Joe Biden needs a red Corvette.
Joe Biden accuses his parents.
Joe Biden blames society.
Joe Biden turns the corner.
Joe Biden says nobody puts baby in the corner.
Joe Biden thinks Kanye West is an egotist.
Joe Biden thinks Lady Gaga is weird.
Joe Biden flies like an eagle.
Joe Biden no thanks I’m driving.
Joe Biden saw what you did & knows who you are.
Joe Biden dares to eat a peach.
Joe Biden hears you knocking but you can’t come in.
Joe Biden goes in but doesn’t come out.
Joe Biden wants everybody to be free.
Joe Biden believes in the two state solution.
Joe Biden lost on Jeopardy.
Joe Biden is a footnote.
Joe Biden is a trivia question.
Joe Biden says why pay more?
Joe Biden goes BOGO.
Joe Biden lays an egg.
Joe Biden hears a Who.
Joe Biden is the new Dr. Who.
Joe Biden is the new Bond.
Joe Biden is the new black.
Joe Biden has no regrets.
Joe Biden means business.
Joe Biden says fuggitaboutit.
Joe Biden talks to himself.
Joe Biden talks too loud.
Joe Biden talks in his sleep.
Joe Biden skips the light fandango.
Joe Biden is the sweetest taboo.
Joe Biden brings home the bacon.
Joe Biden likes bacon.
Joe Biden believes bacon makes everything better.
Joe Biden is drinking your milkshake.
Joe Biden swings like a gate, a rusty gate.
Joe Biden makes Chinese food swing American.
Joe Biden is nobody’s sweetheart.
Joe Biden is a punk rocker.
Joe Biden is a headbanger.
Joe Biden dresses like a cheap whore.
Joe Biden smells like teen spirit.
Joe Biden is all apologies.
Joe Biden is farealz y’all.

VII

Joe Biden goes commando.
Joe Biden goes undercover.
Joe Biden walks the streets.
Joe Biden slouches toward Bethlehem.
Joe Biden is Henry the VIII, he is he is.
Joe Biden is a righteous dude.
Joe Biden says well that’s like your opinion, man.
Joe Biden says we used to be friends.
Joe Biden says my name isYon Yonson I come from Wisconsin.
Joe Biden, Joe Schmiden.
Joe Biden doesn’t have time for the pain.
Joe Biden says every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man.
Joe Biden is just a soft soap story.
Joe Biden begs the question.
Joe Biden begs your pardon.
Joe Biden is beholding to no one.
Joe Biden can take it or leave it.
Joe Biden is living on a prayer.
Joe Biden is all out of love.
Joe Biden is taking names & kicking ass & is all out of names.
Joe Biden is running on empty.
Joe Biden is legend.
Joe Biden is genius.
Joe Biden as the Beaver.
Joe Biden is playing three-dimensional chess.
Joe Biden sucks donkey dicks.
Joe Biden can run, but he can’t hide.
Joe Biden says it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Joe Biden is leaving on a jet plane.
Joe Biden takes a licking & keeps on ticking.
Joe Biden is beginning to look a lot like Xmas.
Joe Biden could have been a contender.
Joe Biden’s not against but he’s not for it.
Joe Biden’s just saying.
Joe Biden is ironic.
Joe Biden says thanks but no thanks to the bridge to nowhere.
Joe Biden cares because you care.
Joe Biden is somebody’s mother.
Joe Biden must be somebody’s baby. 
Joe Biden, he’s so fine he blows my mind.
Joe Biden ain’t got no home.
Joe Biden is a running dog lackey of the bourgeoisie.
Joe Biden says anything for a buck.
Joe Biden says the buck stops here.
Joe Biden says a sucker’s born every minute.
Joe Biden is a man of means by no means.
Joe Biden pulled himself up by his own bootstraps.
Joe Biden helps those who helps themselves.
Joe Biden does the hokey-pokey.
Joe Biden says that’s what it’s all about.
Joe Biden makes the scene.
Joe Biden makes the grade.
Joe Biden is a beauty school dropout. 
Joe Biden is a teenage dope fiend.
Joe Biden, is you a werewolf?

VIII

Joe Biden is putting for par on fifteen.
Joe Biden at the bowling alley, knocking down all the pins.
Joe Biden says everything is everything.
Joe Biden walks along the beach with his trousers rolled.
Joe Biden says it is what it is.
Joe Biden nailed it.
Joe Biden says don’t tell me what to do, Obama.
Joe Biden is like George W. Bush, a reformed alcoholic.
Joe Biden says get right with God.
Joe Biden says racism is wrong.
Joe Biden says sexism is wrong.
Joe Biden says homophobia isn’t ok.
Joe Biden called & he wants his hat back.
Joe Biden is old school.
Joe Biden goes way back.
Joe Biden doesn’t go deep.
Joe Biden doesn’t do nice.
Joe Biden is tough on crime.
Joe Biden is a rich man too.
Joe Biden barfs me with a spoon.
Joe Biden is like whatever.
Joe Biden likes me.  He really likes me.
Joe Biden made his bed.  Let him lie in it.
Joe Biden says all he asks is that you let him serve you your way.
Joe Biden says have it your way.
Joe Biden says the customer is always right.
Joe Biden says money happily refunded if you’re not completely satisfied.
Joe Biden says money is never happily refunded.
Joe Biden may not be a big city lawyer, but . . . 
Joe Biden says you’re making his point for him.
Joe Biden aims to please.
Joe Biden’s aim is true.
Joe Biden knows the capital of Djibouti is Djibouti.
Joe Biden says go go goldie go go.
Joe Biden is historically inaccurate.
Joe Biden isn’t perfect.
Joe Biden is a backdoor man.
Joe Biden is the hoochie-coochie man.
Joe Biden looks like the devil.
Joe Biden Joe Biden Joe Biden.
Joe Biden is all that is the case.
Joe Biden says it’s your choice.
Joe Biden plays when he wants to play.
Joe Biden says it’s your thing.
Joe Biden says do what you want to do.
Joe Biden can’t tell you who to sock it to.
Joe Biden knows the internet is not something you can just dump something on.  It’s not a big truck.         It’s a series of tubes . . .  
Joe Biden can’t see the forest for the trees.
Joe Biden says three strikes & you’re out.
Joe Biden says who let the dogs out?
Joe Biden doesn’t know what it’s like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, behind blue eyes.
Joe Biden doesn’t know what it’s like to love somebody the way I love you.
Joe Biden likes big butts & he cannot lie.
Joe Biden is not in love.
Joe Biden wants to know what love is.
Joe Biden runs with scissors.
Joe Biden doesn’t play well with others.
Joe Biden loves you kid, but oh his wife.
Joe Biden, over & over.

IX

Joe Biden says thanks for the memories.
Joe Biden is taking a sentimental journey.
Joe Biden says it’s all right hey lawdy mama.
Joe Biden gets it.
Joe Biden is the hammer & you are the nail.
Joe Biden is law & you are crime.
Joe Biden is one sick puppy.
Joe Biden promises puppies for everyone.
Joe Biden is one messed up mamajama.
Joe Biden is too blessed to feel depressed.
Joe Biden is too inspired to feel tired.
Joe Biden is too legit to quit.
Joe Biden is licensed to ill.
Joe Biden would stake his reputation on it.
Joe Biden wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Joe Biden, what a great, great guy.
Joe Biden put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp.
Joe Biden put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.
Joe Biden put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop.
Joe Biden put the dip in the dip da dip da dip.
Joe Biden celebrates himself & sings himself & what he assumes you shall assume, for every atom            belonging to him as good belongs to you.
Joe Biden says who you gonna call?  
Joe Biden says where’s the beef?
Joe Biden is seven degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Joe Biden is a real nowhere man.
Joe Biden says you fucked up.  You trusted us.
Joe Biden is a singular politician; Joe Bidens is plural.
Joe Biden knows how to work a room.
Joe Biden denies that the existence of classes oppresses the masses.
Joe Biden says show me the money.
Joe Biden says go on take the money & run.
Joe Biden looks like shit on a Ritz.
Joe Biden really cares about your lame people & your crummy temple but . . .
Joe Biden spoke with reporters.
Joe Biden was a sled.

X

Joe Biden better knock on wood.
Joe Biden says where’s the love?
Joe Biden takes the long way home.
Joe Biden walking in the park, admiring the elephant.
Joe Biden buying the Tribune.  Joe Biden buying the Times.
Joe Biden saying Yes this is 
Joe Biden.  Sunday at 5?  I’d love to–& you?
Joe Biden alone at Longchamps, staring at the wall.
Joe Biden says it has a good beat & it’s easy to dance to.
Joe Biden gots to have rock’n’roll music.
Joe Biden is still rock’n’roll to me.
Joe Biden wants two boiled eggs.
Joe Biden says make that three boiled eggs.
Joe Biden knows why the caged bird sings.
Joe Biden wonders if it’s too late to take back his introduction.
Joe Biden’s been down so long it looks like up to him.
Joe Biden shot the sheriff, but he did not shoot the deputy.
Joe Biden, we hardly knew ye.
Joe Biden is an American classic.
Joe Biden is a rock.  
Joe Biden is an island.
Joe Biden says that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Joe Biden knows which side his bread’s buttered on.
Joe Biden bites the hand the feeds him.
Joe Biden cut off his nose to spite his face.
Joe Biden says he’s not heavy, he’s my brother.
Joe Biden says he’s not his brother’s keeper.
Joe Biden wonders who watches the watchmen.
Joe Biden talks about Main Street, not Wall Street.
Joe Biden’s been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn & a king.
Joe Biden’s been up & down & over & out & he knows one thing.
Joe Biden supposes his toeses are roses.
Joe Biden doesn’t believe in moral victories.
Joe Biden says you can’t legislate morality.
Joe Biden doesn’t understand Kant.
Joe Biden thinks I’m cute.
Joe Biden says Happy Birthday!
Joe Biden can stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Joe Biden does not give a shit repeat does not give a shit about homies.
Joe Biden is a low rider.
Joe Biden is stinking to high heavens.
Joe Biden likes the night life.
Joe Biden wishes he were your lover.
Joe Biden, the ass.
Joe Biden, your mother.
Joe Biden is everywhere.
Joe Biden says love me & despair.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Favorite Punch Lines

1) Twenty dollars, Father.  Same as downtown.
2) I never stole that rope!
3) Because I don’t have enough shit to make a senator.
4) First, though, we need to check your hearing.
5) Shut up!  I’m not talking to you!
6) That’s just like your aunt, in the closet playing hide-go-seek while your dad’s in bed having a heart attack.
7) Why don't you throw yourself out & make everybody happy?
8) Boy snakes stand up to hiss.
9) I don’t know, George.  Something about you just pisses me off.
10) You’re already on the other side.

What are yours?

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Addendum

(Note:  The following refers to the previously posted “A Brief & in No Way Complete List of People to the Left of Barack Obama”):

One person definitely NOT to the left of Barack Obama is Hillary Clinton. (Hilary Duff, yes; Clinton, no.) Clinton’s perhaps conspicuous absence from this list is not merely happenstance, but based on the clear & irrefutable evidence that she’s even more hawkish & bat shit crazy than the reigning Pres. Battlelord I’ll-Bomb-Ya (see forthcoming Star Wars VII).  Yet many Republicans & so-called progressive Democrats alike, as well as the media–let’s not forget or forgive the corporate media–continue to brand her as a centrist or more fallaciously a liberal, to which I must loudly add, NEOLIBERAL–& if you think that simply means “new liberal,” complete with the marketing implications of a “new & improved” product, as in “now in pizza flavor,” I strongly suggest you research the term.  For those of you who would question, given my exclusion of Clinton from the list, why I would then include, for instance, the likes of Dick Cheney, let me say first in my defense that I’m mentally ill.  Thank you for your understanding.   Also, you would do well to remember that it’s a fracking joke, okay,  meant to suggest that Cheney & Obama, rhetoric aside, aren’t as different as some like to think, in that neither blinks when it comes to killing.